Judy

Judy's x-ray this morning revealed she had lung cancer. Her lungs were filled with nodules - I knew seeing the picture wouldn't have made a difference in my decision. Within two days her health declined significantly. We kept Zachary and Edward home from school today. We were all with her when the vet put her to sleep. I hope the boys take comfort in the fact that she exceeded a mutt's normal life span of 10-12 years significantly - she was pushing 16. We will be taking her ashes to Maine and burying her at my childhood home next summer.

Fly with Rabies

Hello fly with rabies flying around the bedroom. Most flies follow annoying zig zagging loose figure eights and occasionally landing with soft, yet infested, feet. Not this fly. It sounds like a single army - angrier than the fires of Mordor, bouncing violently off the ceiling. If it hits me, I know it will hurt.

I've thought about blogging at least a dozen times since July - and actually had two drafts started until about five minutes ago. Just like there's little point in keeping trophy jeans from 'the day' I don't like keeping drafts of anything that won't get published. So much has changed and I realize more than anything else I don't ever want to lose my words. A spark of inspiration and the glow of creativity are quickly smoldered when other more 'important' things take precedence. Do you know how sick I am of the trivial nonsense?

Life in this house seems to move around me. I'm starting to feel physically ill from the stress I bring home from work. Not usually a big deal to write off the shoulder and lower back tension but I've been getting incredibly sharp stabbing pains in the right side of my neck where you'd check your pulse. It's happening almost daily now and when it happens I can't do anything but grit my teeth and hope I don't pass out. My hands are also hurting. I was diagnosed over a decade ago with Raynaud's Disease, but I doubt it's related. All the joints in my hand ache all the time and if I carry anything heavy or awkward I get intense, sharp pain.

Separating work from home is difficult and even more so that JG and I work together. He says that if we didn't work together it would take twice as long to share about our days because we'd each be trying to help 'fix' each others' office instead of the same one. There's some merit to that. However, when we both can't sleep at night I'd honestly rather be making love then talking out what needs to happen the next duty day.

JG and I are still trying to find balance even though it's been three months since his homecoming. We've had three real dates since he's been home and we've exceeded the number of dates we had for all of calendar year 2011 (not including military functions). It's a good start.

I really need a new assignment. I think if my two worlds blend even more than they are I'll go crazy.

First Light

I was up before the sun. Things are so different now than they were a month ago. JG is home and my armor is slowly coming off and the sighs of relief are deep and unguarded. :)

Counting The Hours

JG is literally on his way home. I have butterflies in my stomach. I can't wait to see him and the look on his face when he's seen how big his three sons have grown! Michael was about two weeks old when JG left. He's made the most changes. Zachary and Edward have each grown taller. Zachary is getting ready to start wearing a pump for his diabetes. Edward's sternum is healing from when he cracked it with his own head on the trampoline. The trampoline is new. I can't wait to jump on it myself one day. I really can't wait for JG to jostle Zachary on it a bit so he understands what his brother must feel like when they jump together. I'll watch from a safe distance from JG's hammock - his father's day present from last year.

Rain All Week

Rain all week. Raw and cold and bitter. (If you were hoping for a happy post go ahead and just x out now.)

Yesterday I was miserable at physical therapy. Most sessions I leave feeling a bit sore, but never feeling like I may not make it back to the car. It was the first time since I've been back to work that I seriously second guessed myself for getting the severed ACL repaired before JG got home. And let me tell you, I was surprised -- two exercises I had a hard time with came to me easier yesterday. One was doing side steps each direction with a band around my legs just above the knees. The other was doing mini squats leaning up against the wall on an exercise ball. I was technically perfect and didn't need rest in the middle of any of my sets like I had the session before. My confidence was high (even though I was exhausted).

Then, the dreaded step. It's a baby step, maybe only about three inches tall. I'm supposed to stand on it with the bad right leg then bend at the knee and lower myself into a squat keeping the hips even, my booty pushed back and most, if not all, my weight on the bad leg without letting my knee go over my foot. I'm supposed to repeat this motion. Well, I'm supposed to repeat the motion when I get it right. I spent the entire time on that exercise trying to get it right. It's a tiny little motion. My physical therapy technician calls it my 'wall.'

I'm anxious to see how tomorrow's session goes.

Home Soon

JG tells me today that his replacement will get in a week earlier than expected. Of course, this news comes right in the middle of an argument. I don't feel any joy. I'm too upset to be excited and was indifferent on the phone with him and responded with an "oh, that's good, that was a lot earlier than we were expecting."

Since the phone call, the argument several hours later on instant messenger went from bad to worse. I'm wasting Memorial Day right now sobbing in bed like a heartbroken teenager.

The argument was clearly a miscommunication on both our parts, but it's not resolved. During our resolution, things got worse when a modified version of "reflective listening" became a one-way street.

I'm so fed up with the year 2012. It can go fuck itself ass-to-mouth style. I'm that furious.

Judy get off the Trampoline

I wasn't the first to think of butter poaching eggs.

"Using a 10-inch skillet heat 2-tablespoons of butter over medium heat until just melted, but not sizzling. Carefully add 4 eggs to the pan one at a time, being careful not to break the yolks. Cover the pan and turn the heat to low. I like to use a glasscover so I can see how they are doing without letting heat out of the pan.  When the whites are cooked through and the yolks are still soft (2-4 minutes depending on the temperature of the eggs and the pan) remove the pan from the heat and remove the cover so the eggs don’t overcook. " (courtesy of http://www.sipnibblesmile.com) 

This is my breakfast. And if my stomach doesn't stop growling it might be my midnight snack. 

For all the dieting haves and have nots, I have to say that I have quite a few win cards. Avocados, cream cheese, Starbucks' whole-milk, sugar free, no whip mochas when I want to indulge, steak, dreamfields pasta, Adkins brand peanut butter cups, tomatoes, salmon, butter, sour cream, breyer's carb-friendly ice cream, asparagus, bacon, make it myself whipped cream with different flavors to stir in my coffee at home, mayonnaise (Hellman's on East Coast, Best Foods on West Coast - when I moved to Texas I tracked down Hellman and DEMANDED they sell mayo to me in Texas only to find out it's one and the same. Good thing for them ...) Olives,  Starbucks' Pikes with half n half with Splenda when i'm being good. 

I am drinking a lot of coffee lately. I LOVE the taste of coffee - but lately it's been a necessity. I can't function without it. I feel hung over at least twice a week from the lack of sleep. It's not like I give a cute little yawn and exclaim I could sleep another hour, it's resetting my alarm to squeeze in another 30 minutes and opening up my eyes what feels like 3 seconds later to spring out the door only to struggle keeping my eyes open while driving the whole five minutes to work. Venti, please.

These last two weeks or so have been brutally rough. Both Michael and Ju-Ju needed extra attention. Michael had an ear infection which required antibiotics twice a day so instead of the regular nursing routine I had to make sure he didn't get too full so he'd take his medicine. Then Judy has to have half an anti-inflammatory pill  and an antibiotic pill twice a day ... so there's hiding her meds in what would normally be a snack for me. She's also wearing a cone to prevent her from licking her paw, but there's extra care in making sure we take it off in the morning so she can eat and drink okay ... then remembering to put it back on. Oh yeah, and making sure Edward remembers to feed her too.

I'm making up my film class work this semester ... that issue was finally resolved but it's one more thing added to the plate along with yard upkeep, Zach's official helper on his science fair project (I had to sign a paper!), collecting newspapers off the front lawn (I'd actually tip paper boy if i could reach it from my door). 

I just dozed off in the middle of a keystroke. I'm calling it a night.