True. Very true.

"Times are tough, but they'll get better soon, Darling. I miss you terribly. Love, JG"

That's what the card said. One morning last week, flowers were at my desk before I was.

We were arguing again just two days later.

Things are strained. Every disagreement leads to an argument about how we argue. Our efforts to dissect the IMs and/or emails to figure out where our communication went wrong has only shined a spotlight on how imperfect we are. Baggage and bias have skewed our views on acknowledgment, forgiveness and apologies.

Actual words are less than 10 percent of communication. Well, when words are all there are to go on internet delays during a live chat, lack of or use of the wrong 'emoticon' and even word choice makes the 90 percent margin for error a guarantee.

JG and I were talking about how were we at the halfway mark of his deployment when his countdown application registered 48.5 percent. It was about a week before it officially hit more than 50 percent. I swear time stood still for hours at a time.

I took the kids out to Silver Diner for dinner tonight. We had made friends with the manager, Jackie, before JG left due to an unfortuante hummus incident. "We guarantee our restaurant is sparkling clean, and that goes for the food too," Jackie had said. Anyway, Jackie greeted the kids and I warmly. She asked how JG and I were doing. After listening for a couple minutes she broke in with "that's only because you miss each other so much."

True. Very true.

"I'll have ... that ..."

To be fair, I didn't know what it was either, but the gal in front of me in the chow line was willing to brave eating ... whatever it was ... so I figured I would as well. I mean, hey, enough barbecue sauce and you can make anything taste good. And thanks to my mother-in-law, I actually have a bottle. Now if only someone could send a bottle of merlot. Three dollars for half a plastic cup of box o' wine is killin' me ...

Our team has had some much-needed downtime this week so we could say hello to the new folks, adieu to those headed home. We were even able to get off base and go downtown. I did some shopping, some haggling for coworkers over what they were buying and spent some recreational time with colleagues. Stacia Zachary and I go back a long time. We went to basic training together, technical training, conferences, more training and she's been another sister for me. Like I need any more ...

But we said our good-byes as she heads home to her family and in her stead is another friend, Joseph "Kap" Kapinos who keeps a blog at combatcorrespondent.blogspot.com/. Kap and I go back a few years too. It's a small career field and getting smaller by the day as more and more people get fed up with the constant deployments and time away from family. While that's what we three discussed mostly, it was intended to be more a trip to increase morale, not beat it into submission. So we had ice cream ...

I also scream, because our mission now is "elsewhere in Southwest Asia" at a base in a country that doesn't want us to talk about the base being in their country, which presents a great challenge for me as it's kinda my job to talk about the people and the mission at that base in that country. But I have it on good authority that the food is good. Which is great, because I didn't pack my bottle of barbecue sauce ...

On a more positive note, Jennifer and I are hashing out disagreements a little bit better now that we're on the downward slope of our time away from each other. At this points it's just hitting little milestones - holidays, birthdays, holidays that are also birthdays that fall on Thanksgiving ...

In the meantime I've started writing to Zachary's class and got a nice note back from his teacher. I remember during Desert Storm writing to deployed servicemembers in school. Now I get to be on the other end of it. An old friend from college also wrote a nice piece in the Northcoast Journal about Jennifer and me (www.northcoastjournal.com/issues/2009/09/24/yo-afghanistan/). I'm finding writing to be a really good way of staying connected to the world back home. I think E.T. had it all wrong. All he needed was a good Web cam connected to his Speak 'n' Spell ...

Livin' on a Prayer ...

Deployments are their most difficult about halfway through. The excitement and bravado and newness of it all has worn off, but you've still got just as much time as you've already served before you're heading home. When I first got here, my dear friend Stacia was at the point I am now. She took great satisfaction in reminding me of what I told her then: You're better than this ...

I keep telling myself I volunteered for the deployment, knowing what I was getting into. I guess it's just not working out the way I'd hoped. So taking the advice from another colleague and his blog (http://ironichipocrisy.blogspot.com/), I want to do what I can to "affect change." I've started writing down some things I think would make the assignment better for the person filling it as well as for the Air Force. Unfortunately, the only change I seem to be affecting these days are the pogs-as-nickels/dimes/quarters they give us out here ...

The other change being affected is my and Jennifer's relationship itself. Our marriage was so new when I left; Jennifer and I barely had time to enjoy each other in our matrimonious state. But struggles in communication, priorities and expectations are taking their toll and we're struggling through the days. If I were home, it would certainly be easier -- the struggle would be more like a wrestling match, and that's always fun. It's just hard to wrestle over the phone or email. Besides, they randomly monitor and wouldn't THAT be embarrassing ...

I'm finding myself unfulfilled spiritually as well. The military is finally deploying a Buddhist chaplain (http://www.airforcetimes.com/news/2009/09/ap_buddhistchaplain_090809/), which is good news. The bad news is he doesn't get here til December and will be somewhere in Afghanistan right as I'm preparing to leave. Then again, maybe he and I can spend Christmas together ...

I don't quite know how I got into this funk. I'm waiting for my boss to tell me that I have a bad attitude. My planned response is "yeah, that's 'cause my attitude is bad," but I'm not sure how well that will go over. I'm trying to bounce back and enjoy little things again - Jennifer sent me some totally grubbin' peanut brittle, have a stack of movies, books, magazines and crossword puzzles, and the HBO John Adams series. So lots of entertainment options. I should probably try to do some work also ...

I think my crummy mood started while I was in Panjshir. But there was one bright spot. The staff there regularly hike up this mountain behind the compound. I got up early one morning, just as they were about to set out to conquer "Blue Hill." The major there said I should try it, and so aww, hell, I went. Got about 3/4 of the way up before I almost passed out. Head was spinning, breaths were labored; I was miserable. But I was almost there. So the same major sat with me a minute until I was ready to go. One of the medics said I should probably turn back, which was good and practical advice. But as Jennifer points out, sometimes I'm just too stubborn. I finally made it up there and it was nice to have that victory. I'd accomplished something! I'd decided to take my troubles and like James Baldwin, "Go Tell it on the Mountain." I'm looking at you, fellow English majors ...

So maybe that's what I need. A challenge and (hopefully) ensuing victory. We're headed back out again soon, probably to Iraq again. There are some great folks we'll be working with, so hopefully a change of scenery and quality work will help me snap out of this. It just dawned on me that I'm hoping to improve my mood by GOING to Iraq. Irony is a cruel mistress ...

But wherever we end up going for our next mission, the fact remains that I'm just about 50% done with this deployment. Oh, we're halfway there ...

To Be & Another Piece of Paper

A couple blog posts ago JG broke the news that he will be reenlisting this year despite concern with our career field's deployment rate.

Our career field manager who manages the entire public affairs, broadcaster and photographer enlisted force stopped by last week to visit the Air Force Public Affairs Agency. For me, the three most surprising facts he shared were: PA deployments increased by more than 60 percent this year, state-side broadcast positions were only 35 percent manned and photographers were at a 1:7 deployment dwell rate (pardon combat camera).

And, after listening to the numerous other challenges and how he and the director of public affairs have been working to translate senior leadership's empathy into action, I am now rooting for a 1:1 dwell. (Insert Gasp Here.)

Why?

Anyone can be pulled at any time - making the deployment selection process more 'intimate.' Deployments would be based on an individuals dwell rate. For example, when I deploy next March my dwell rate would have been a 1:5 (thanks to five ankle surgeries). When I come back, my dwell rate starts over at 1:1 and I'm racked and stacked against every other individuals' dwell rates who are not currently deployed, rather than just those within my band.

Also, it gives PA leadership even more justification needed to plead their case for more manpower and to prevent further cuts.

I'm confident that after this long year ahead of us JG and I will be able to PCS and have two years of two-parent stability for our boys - and a baby.

Lately I'm feeling a sense of relief, particularly because of facts and figures, but mostly because there's a bunch of people who care. Supervisors and others in each of our chain of command shared their concern about our situation and empathized that enduring those circumstances long term would have serious consequences for our family. I've also been really impressed with the career field manager's candidness on these and other issues.

I'm also impressed with the director of public affairs. I'm quite thankful he overlooked me answering my direct line today with a rushed "Tech. Sgt. Buzanowski" as I had to put a company wanting an Air Force License Agreement to use the Air Force Symbol on hold. (www.trademark.af.mil) The Colonel called to give me kudos on the work I've been doing on the trademark program, he said he's been hearing my name 'everywhere' but in a good way. He asked how 'Buzz' was doing on his deployment, asked me how the family was doing and told me that he and his wife will be holding a get together at their house next month for all of the spouses of deployed members in our directorate.

Funny in a way to be thought of as a 'spouse.' I really didn't think much about it until today. I find myself socially awkward around other spouses who don't wear the uniform.

So get this - my original deployment tasking was changed meaning I no longer deploy in March, I deploy in May ... but a 30-day combat skills training course in April. I'm so excited that JG and I will get to celebrate our first wedding anniversary together.

Signing that piece paper was much easier.

Tanks for the memories ...

Our team is deployed to the Panjshir Valley in Afghanistan right now, assigned to cover the mission of the provincial reconstruction team here. I'm a big fan of PRTs and spent a lot of time with them on my last tour over here. The teams work directly with the people in the villages to figure out what they need and how to help them get it. In the past, it's often meant a direct handout, but here in Panjshir, they're focused on teaching them how to govern themselves, how to request aid from their provincial leaders, how to get the people to work within the system to accomplish their goals. Yes, we're teaching the Afghans bureaucracy ...

But that's not such a bad thing and here it really seems to be working. Panjshir is considered to be the crown jewel among the provinces in that there aren't any real security issues, so our Airmen, Soldiers and (the) Sailor at the PRT here are able to get out and help mentor them on building schools, creating infrastructure and getting this place up and going so, well, WE can be up and going and not have to come back. But there's a catch; there's always a catch. Unless you're watching a Mets game, in which case there is usually a catch, sometimes a catch, hopefully a catch ...

Panjshir, like much of Afghanistan, is mostly mountains. So to get to the sites where our folks tell them, "This mixture of cement has too much water, so it won't hold the bricks," or, "Bathrooms can NOT drain downhill into the village," and the like, it means long drives over and around said mountains. I honestly was scared a few times we were going to slide down the side of one of the roads just barely wide enough for the Toyota truck we were in. But the folks here know these roads and how to get to the most remote villages. After that, it can sometimes be a hike ... a hike UP the mountain. These kids actually do walk two miles uphill through the snow just to get to school. So apparently, all of our parents went to school in Afghanistan ...

But that's where the story is, so along for the ride I go. Now for some, it's clowns to the left, jokers to the right. For others, it's between a rock and a hard place. Me, I sat between our mujahadeen guard and a guy "from the State Department" during one of our forays. So between the company I was keeping, the mountain we had to climb and the ever-present forces of gravity should our driver zig instead of zag, it's been an adventure. Knew I should have taken my Indiana Jones hat with me ...

And while Indy mostly fought the Nazis, in his last film he contended with Soviets (and aliens, apparently ...), which is exactly what the people in Panjshir did (fight Russians, I mean, not "archeologists from outer space"). The people here have been at war for 30 years. They repelled the Soviet invasion and there's evidence all over the countryside. Old Soviet tanks and personnel carriers litter the countryside, rusted metal hunks of a failed endeavor. The Panjshiri also kicked the Taliban out because they persecuted the people and tried to strongarm them into fighting against us. The Panjshiri instead chose not to. So we've very much learned from the examples before us, which is refreshing. And if we ever get to the point where we lose our way here in Afghanistan, well, we've got some reminders ...

Weekend at Donley's ...

I spent the weekend following around the Secretary of the Air Force, Michael Donley, as he traveled around to several bases and visited with Airmen. It's cool because I did the same sort of thing last time I was deployed with Michael Wynne, the SecAF at the time. We went to like eight different bases and he spoke to hundreds of people. Everyone and their brother wanted a picture with him (okay, I did too ...) so my job was to said pictures. Which was a fantastic opportunity. Until my camera broke ...

Right before I'm supposed to get on the plane, the shutter and autofocus go out on me. So there I am trying to make the thing work and for the life of me can't figure it out. The shutter speed adjuster won't go past 250, won't autofocus and I have to double tap the button to take a picture. Can not for the life of me figure out what happened. So I had to beg, borrow and steal cameras from other public affairs offices, which were very helpful and generous, to do my job. But there were still times when I had to use my D3. So I had to manuall adjust for lighting, speed, focus and hit the button twice every time. Or as my fellow picture takers call it, photography ...

For now I'm just trying to get ready for my next trip out. I've got almost 3,000 pictures to go through because everyone wants their photo, which is understandable. I mean, even Yoshi was demanding I get his photo out ...

Actually the Secretary was pretty cool about it. But the best was while I was headed to Jalalabad (side note: it's my second time to Jalalabad and I wrote about it last time while I was there; mostly about how fun it is to say: Ja-la-la-bad). So there I am on the C-130 (ugh) headed out to J-bad and I take a photo of Yoshi in a seat. The wing commander from Bagram Airfield, Brigadier General Steven Kwast, asks me about my dinosaur companion and I give him the quick version of the story - our youngest son loves Yoshi, I'm taking pictures of Yoshi's adventures around the Middle East. So he says to me, "Hey, you should take a picture of him with the three-star!" So yeah, Lieutenant General Gilmary Hostage (my new big boss out here) took a photo with Yoshi ...

Back on the homefront, I've been trying to work with Jennifer on getting the boys on track with their schooling as well as maintaining our own relationship. I'm still very much learning how to be a husband and father and it's difficult to do this from afar. Sending home videos, emails and pictures of Yoshi help. But next year, when she's deployed and *I'm* the one at home scares the heck out of me. I mean, I can barely feed myself, how am I going to take care of them?! But one issue at a time, right? My biggest challenge has been staying focused on my job because I'm so concerned about what's going on at home. But then again, I've had focus issues all week. Stupid camera ...