Ta-Ta to Taji ...

Out of the frying pan (105 degrees, Camp Taji, Iraq) and into the fire (115 degrees, home base), but we're back and out of the Iraq. Before we left, I decided to go on a photo safari around the area to give a better idea about what life was like there. For instance, unless it's a living area or a road, there is very little that's paved. But it's a friggin desert, so it's not like there's a lot of grass either. No, instead we have lovely rocks to walk on. Rocks are better when they're used for a hot stone massage. But that will have to wait until I get home. Or at least Kyrgyzstan ...

There were lots of things that stood out for me walking around Taji. For one, a lot of their internal security is provided by third-country nationals. Basically, they hire folks from other countries to come in and man gates and whatnot. And they're really good at it. Friendly without letting their guard down. And willing to teach you a smidgen of their language if you ask. Jambo! Another thing that got me while at Taji were the "speed bumps." I mean, they may LOOK like they're tank treads streteched across the road, but no, those are the speed bumps. And they work. In fact, the only thing that would work better? An actual tank ...

But they've got those too. In fact, they call it The Petting Zoo. In a secluded and heavily guarded part of the base, there's tons of old Iraqi army equipment that they're taking apart and destroying or recycling. In addition to rows of tanks and trucks, there were shipping containers filled with old beat up rifles and such. But in one conatainer was the collection of special weapons. Lots of stuff from gold-plated weapons to 1800s-era flintlocks to crossbows to homemade rocket launchers, the collection was eerily odd. I mean, I'm no gun nut (I prefer swords, natch) but after all the hours I spent playing GoldenEye 007 on the Nintendo 64, well ... I'm the Man with the Golden Guns ...

But I know some folks wanted to know more about the practical side of life at Taji. Like most bases around Southwest Asia, there is water everywhere. Cases of it everywhere you look. In some places, you have to bring it into the bathroom with you to brush your teeth since the water, for the most part, isn't potable. But in Iraq, the bottles come in liters. The water's not bad, as long as you can wash it off before you drink it. Dirt plus water equals drinking mud. And if you want to drink mud, well, that's what the coffee shops are for ...

We had great places to stay, if you don't mind the view of a concrete wall from your room. I know those are there to protect against shelling and whatnot, because nothing is worse than walking on shattered glass. Just ask John McLane. What they should do is paint scenic vistas on the other side of the concrete walls, then it has the illusion of a room with a view! We also had a place to shower and go to the bathroom. But for crying out loud, they need better reading material than issues of Maxim from a year ago. It wasn't the issue date that was bad, but the least they could get is Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustrated or something decent. Heck, even a Highlights would have puzzles to help pass the time. Then again, if you're reading Maxim and run out of toilet paper ...

Our team flew out on an Iraqi helicopter and that time we were the first stop, not the last, so we made it just fine. No vomit or anything! Once back in Baghdad, the local combat camera folks took care of us. Had a few hours to powernap and get on a flight. Fortunately, we were able to get out late that night on a C-130 Hercules. Much thanks to the Minnesota Reserve unit out of the Twin Cities for getting us the heck out of there so we didn't have to wait until the following day for a ride that would in all likelihood have been far more cramped than we were. For those who've never flown on one, seats on a C-130 are metal pipes with thin material spread over them, with the same thin material stitched into a cargo net for the seatback. There's not a single way to get comfortable in the things. Some revelations from our flight:

- Body armor does not make a good pillow

- Neither does a helmet

- Nor, as my cohort Mike Keller pointed out, does a rifle

- The only thing that sleeps on a C-130 is your butt

So the other thing I discovered is that my three-year-old iPod doesn't last two hours on its own. So I need a new iPod. If this trip is any indicator, we have plenty of waiting in passenger terminals in our future. The one in Baghdad had a TV in it, but they were showing the horrible "Fantastic Four" movie. Correction, they were playing the horrible first one, not the horrible sequel. In fact, a revelation: Comic book movies are never just "okay." They are either very good or very, very bad. For every "Fantastic Four" or "Daredevil" or "Catwoman," there's a "Spider-Man" or "X-Men" or "Dark Knight." Revelation, supplemental: A comic book trilogy in which the first two films are really good, the third movie will outright stink. There's a lot of downtime while you're waiting for a flight and your iPod is dead ...