To Be or Not To Be

Dual military that is. The active duty-to-active duty reality hit us harder and faster than expected, on a Monday morning no less.

I've been tasked to deploy just weeks after JG returns from his deployment. He's expected home last week of December or first week of January, then I leave for combat skills training Feb. 9-22 and then report to the AOR (area of responsibility - just a fancy word for 'desert') by March 31.

When I return from my six-month deployment in September 2010, JG will be hot to deploy two months later. And not wussy, worn brick red - we're talking fire engine red. Why? The public affairs enlisted force is sitting at a 1:2 dwell. This means the rate at which we are deploying is 6 months deployed, two 6-month deployment cycles home, then 6 months deployed and so forth.

So, how will the dwell impact our family while I serve the remainder of my commitment through March 2012 and if JG decided to reenlist for another four years in January 2010?

Total months since marriage April 2009 until March 2012 = 36
Months separated by deployment = 23 (not including mandatory deployment training)
Months residing together = 13

What it boils down to is we'll have between 2-4 months of time together between one of us being deployed. Sitting at 16 years of service come March 2012, this deployment analysis above assumes I will deploy again in October 2011 in order to finish the last four years of my career. If I decide to separate at 16 years, I will have an extra five months at home with JG before he deploys again in 2013.

JG can decide to separate in January when he'll have 8 years of service completed, I'll be just shy of 14 years. We want to have another child and we planned on doing so after we PCS'd (moved on to the next assignment/base) and we planned to do this before I turn 34 in January 2012.

"Honey, I need to conceive between the time you get home in January 2010 and April 2011," I say. (This is so sexy, right? Total buzz-killer.)

But wait, he deploys in November 2010 and won't be back till May 2011 so conception needs to happen before then just incase we have trouble getting pregnant.

Conceiving before my deployment right when he gets back will only allow him to be with me for the pregnancy and he'll probably miss the birth and at least the first six months of her life (yes, we are having a girl). She will only be a year old and would only know life with both her parents for four months before I'm deployed again.

The alternative would be to conceive after I return from my deployment in the month of October 2010, then JG would be gone during most of the pregnancy, but would be home for the birth and the first 10-11 months of her life before he deploys again. I would deploy right when the baby turns six months old if our career field is still at a 1:2 dwell.

My fear? Even if JG decides to separate in January, I may decide to separate from the service while I'm pregnant anyway (servicewomen are giving this option, subject to commander approval) and I've just screwed both of us out of a career. Why? It was so hard leaving Zachary at age 6 and Edward at age 2 for a deployment ... I can't imagine how painful it will be to leave Baby Girl at the fun phase of eating 'solid' food.

And these scenarios don't even begin to cover all things considered. Our assignment manager is telling us to expect orders when JG comes back from his deployment. Added pressure logistically to get the house ready to rent (another blog to follow on the rennovations) and juggle my training requirement, family bonding and a PCS move between January-February or worse, left to JG to handle alone after I'm gone.

Granted, JG can decline the assignment by separating, but then we run into being stationed at virtually every Air Force base that has a public affairs office. This means we could end up at a less-than-desirable location such as obscure bases to go unnamed in the Midwest (no offense, but no thank you) since only one career needs to be accommodated, not two. (We cannot work in the same office where one of us would have any authority over the other. This becomes a non-issue if the assignment manager only needs to accommodate one career.)

Since we are at a 1:2 dwell, are they bringing back reenlistment bonuses for public affairs? (If so, it's important to note that if you reenlisted while deployed you get to keep the 20 percent that's normally deducted for taxes.)

Could one of us possibly get a joint assignment (as in working for a command or unit made up of all the military services) or an Air Force special duty assignment that's considered 'non-deployable' so that we are able to spend 12 months together as a family while only one of us deploys?

What will all these deployments do to our boys? Do we choose our careers over having a baby? Do we postpone having a baby and accept the health risks of me carrying a baby in my late thirties?

If we do stay in, what are our career options? With a critically-manned career fields it's almost impossible to break away four to six years to become first sergeants, professional military education instructors or basic military training instructors. They would also just as unlikely grant permission for us to cross train into a different career field altogether.

There are so many unanswered questions right now. JG and I are left absolutely heartbroken over the situation. And you know what? I'm angry. No, I take that back. I'm pissed.

How did the career field I've been apart of my entire career succumb to this? I had volunteered for deployments as an airman at my first assignment at Kelly AFB, Texas, and at my second assignment as a staff sergeant at Eielson AFB, Alaska, but didn't get to go. Those were the days when the folks in the same deployment 'bucket' used to fight over deployments. Now it's 'where are you going?' not 'do you get to go this time?'

At my third assignment I had my first deployment ever as an 11-year technical sergeant. In contrast, JG who joined right after 9-11 is now on his fourth deployment. For years we've been on the 'critical list' with career fields you may expect like security forces and EOD. I would have loved to have seen the look on the at-the-time Air Force Chief of Staff's face the first day Public Affairs appeared on that briefing slide. You have to wonder if the other general officers around the table chuckled. And I'm seriously asking: Has anyone outside of Air Force Public Affairs (up the chain) taken this seriously?

I have three friends in immediate proximity, all OUTSTANDING public affairs NCOs, who have made the decision to separate. Each are in a different phase of that process with one now a member of the Air Force Reserve and my response to each of them was 'I can't imagine being in a position to have to make such a hard decision.' Ladies, I still can't imagine because I am still in shock.

If Air Force leadership assures Public Affairs leadership they are legitimately trying, well, maybe I can too. But today, I'm discouraged, I'm confused, I miss my husband and the boys miss their Dad. For the first time in my adult life I'm questioning if my personal values and Air Force values are in alignment. Air Force Public Affairs will somehow manage through the new steady state of the 2000s, but how will the Buzanowski family?