Livin' on a Prayer ...

Deployments are their most difficult about halfway through. The excitement and bravado and newness of it all has worn off, but you've still got just as much time as you've already served before you're heading home. When I first got here, my dear friend Stacia was at the point I am now. She took great satisfaction in reminding me of what I told her then: You're better than this ...

I keep telling myself I volunteered for the deployment, knowing what I was getting into. I guess it's just not working out the way I'd hoped. So taking the advice from another colleague and his blog (http://ironichipocrisy.blogspot.com/), I want to do what I can to "affect change." I've started writing down some things I think would make the assignment better for the person filling it as well as for the Air Force. Unfortunately, the only change I seem to be affecting these days are the pogs-as-nickels/dimes/quarters they give us out here ...

The other change being affected is my and Jennifer's relationship itself. Our marriage was so new when I left; Jennifer and I barely had time to enjoy each other in our matrimonious state. But struggles in communication, priorities and expectations are taking their toll and we're struggling through the days. If I were home, it would certainly be easier -- the struggle would be more like a wrestling match, and that's always fun. It's just hard to wrestle over the phone or email. Besides, they randomly monitor and wouldn't THAT be embarrassing ...

I'm finding myself unfulfilled spiritually as well. The military is finally deploying a Buddhist chaplain (http://www.airforcetimes.com/news/2009/09/ap_buddhistchaplain_090809/), which is good news. The bad news is he doesn't get here til December and will be somewhere in Afghanistan right as I'm preparing to leave. Then again, maybe he and I can spend Christmas together ...

I don't quite know how I got into this funk. I'm waiting for my boss to tell me that I have a bad attitude. My planned response is "yeah, that's 'cause my attitude is bad," but I'm not sure how well that will go over. I'm trying to bounce back and enjoy little things again - Jennifer sent me some totally grubbin' peanut brittle, have a stack of movies, books, magazines and crossword puzzles, and the HBO John Adams series. So lots of entertainment options. I should probably try to do some work also ...

I think my crummy mood started while I was in Panjshir. But there was one bright spot. The staff there regularly hike up this mountain behind the compound. I got up early one morning, just as they were about to set out to conquer "Blue Hill." The major there said I should try it, and so aww, hell, I went. Got about 3/4 of the way up before I almost passed out. Head was spinning, breaths were labored; I was miserable. But I was almost there. So the same major sat with me a minute until I was ready to go. One of the medics said I should probably turn back, which was good and practical advice. But as Jennifer points out, sometimes I'm just too stubborn. I finally made it up there and it was nice to have that victory. I'd accomplished something! I'd decided to take my troubles and like James Baldwin, "Go Tell it on the Mountain." I'm looking at you, fellow English majors ...

So maybe that's what I need. A challenge and (hopefully) ensuing victory. We're headed back out again soon, probably to Iraq again. There are some great folks we'll be working with, so hopefully a change of scenery and quality work will help me snap out of this. It just dawned on me that I'm hoping to improve my mood by GOING to Iraq. Irony is a cruel mistress ...

But wherever we end up going for our next mission, the fact remains that I'm just about 50% done with this deployment. Oh, we're halfway there ...