1 cm

This is JG's second trip away from home in the last month and the boys decided they need to test me yet again. I had two appointments downtown yesterday afternoon and finally got back to the base just after 3:30 p.m. - I had just enough time to pick Edward up from the youth center and Zachary up from home and bring them to the clinic for their flu shots before they closed at 4. Zachary was really excited - it was the first time he wasn't afraid of getting a shot. Normally, it would be Edward who wouldn't have a problem with shots and would show up his brother. Not yesterday. Edward SCREAMED AND CRIED so loud. I was so embarrassed. It took three of us to hold him down. That set the tone for the evening. Edward was fine through dinner until he wanted seconds on applesauce. I told him to grab it out of the fridge - it was on the top shelf and when he reached up with the arm that got the shot it hurt - and Edward had a meltdown. The evening routine of homework then shower was like pulling teeth. Luckily I was able to talk with JG and he was able to talk to Edward. After his shower he was finally pleasant and we watched two episodes of The Avatar on netflix. Edward was tucked in by 7. He needed the extra sleep. I'm one centimeter dilated and fifty percent effaced. I don't believe the baby will come before JG gets home, but I'm stressed thinking about the possibility. And, if that's not enough, we're only two weekends away from picking up keys to a new home on base. Work wakes me up in the middle of the night - I dry run the next day and go over the to-do list - only to be haunted the next day by what I didn't get done or discovering other responsibilities I own that I have to figure out. I dislike IMMENSELY not being the expert and not having the answers. My Ju-Ju girl, loyal K9 of about 13 years is showing signs of aging. I'm in denial of her graying muzzle - but it's harder to ignore a large lump between her two front legs. I need to get her to vet. Last weekend the dryer died, this weekend the washing machine died. JG earned another gazillion reward zone points at Best Buy. They delivered the set yesterday and I was excited, for once, to do laundry. Except, the water spouts where the washer hoses hook up decided to leak - even shut completely off there's a slow drip. It will be fixed today, hopefully. Time for a nap.

A little Buzzling on the way …

Jennifer’s pregnant.

Wow.

I honestly didn’t think it would be this much of a shock. After all, we’ve been trying for a while now. And really, the most surprising thing is that we were actually in the same time zone, let alone the same room, for long enough to actually GET pregnant. But hey, there it is …

The current batch of minions is doing really well with it too. Edward bought a book from Barnes and Noble to read to the baby. Zachary is excited about having a new baby brother to take care of. As long as it’s a baby brother. I may have scarred them about having baby sisters. I feel justified in this …

Nevertheless, Jennifer really wants a baby girl. So does her friend Martha, also known as her mother-in-law. Really though, we won’t even find out the gender til later this summer. For my money, that means there’s not a whole lot of preplanning we can do. For Jennifer’s money, however, and apparently, it seems to be all hers, we need to look at cribs, clothes, strollers, swings, walkers, car seats, diapers and diaper genies. What kind of wishes do diaper genies grant?

At the very least, at this premature stage, I’m willing to entertain names. Jennifer, on the other hand, finds my names entertaining. I don’t feel like she’s taking me seriously, as she keeps vetoing all my suggestions:

Boba Fett Buzanowski

Tax Deduction Buzanowski

James Tiberius Buzanowski

Megatron Buzanowski

Darth Bacon Buzanowski (since she also vetoed my wanting a bulldog)

Chun Li Buzanowski

Indiana Jones Buzanowski

Should she break the embryo and have a boy and girl twins, we WILL be naming them Luke and Leia. That sound you hear is me putting my foot down …

We expect her to be due around Dec. 23. Zachary’s birthday is the 22 and he’s decided he will NOT be sharing his birthday. I agree. Even if New Baby Buzz is born on the 25th, at least then they’ll share a birthday with Annie Lennox. Sweet Dreams, indeed …

But we’ve wanted to add to our family for a while now, so we’re both pretty excited about it. I can’t wait to celebrate. Of course, that will have to wait at least another week while I’m in Japan helping with tsunami and earthquake relief. Is it too soon to bring home a katana to hang over the crib?

Whether we have a boy or a girl, though, we’re just thrilled to have another little minion to add to the mix. Now to try and convince Jennifer that Mets Buzanowski is perfectly acceptable name …

I was told there would be no math ...

Things just aren't adding up. When I sit down and go over everything I have to do in a day, I'm frustrated there aren't 30 hours in a day. That's about what I need. Of course, that doesn't include requisite video game time, so that will have to be factored in somehow ...

But that's the issue. I can't get everything factored in. I never was any good at math ...

With Jennifer gone, it's not just a drain on us at home, it means one fewer people at work. Which means more to do there with her gone. So after a long day doing the work I have, the work she would have and the work that our soon-to-be-deployed lieutenant has, I'm just drained. I'm convinced Jennifer cloned herself last year and is just hiding them from me ...

So at least to help become a better parent ('cause hell, I'm still new at this (does that feeling EVER go away?)) I attended a parenting class on base. Some folks from the Love and Logic Institute came out last month and gave a few talks that I got a lot out of. Basically it involves making kids more responsible for their own decisions by being assertive about your own. I found that by using their methods, I haven't yelled at them at all. Who knew making your voice lower has just as much impact, if not more ...

So I'm ordering the books for Jennifer and me. Last year, we read a lot of relationship books to become better spouses to each other; this year we're gonna focus on parenting. For that matter, next year might be focusing on parenting too as Jennifer and I are talking about having a baby. Which shouldn't be a big deal, right? I mean, how hard can one baby be? But then again, with Jennifer's penchant for breaking things, what if she splits the embryo and there are twice as many of them? The number of dirty diapers doubles, the number of hungry kids in the house screaming for food doubles and the amount of time there is for video games gets halved. Again, with the math ...

To Be or Not To Be

Dual military that is. The active duty-to-active duty reality hit us harder and faster than expected, on a Monday morning no less.

I've been tasked to deploy just weeks after JG returns from his deployment. He's expected home last week of December or first week of January, then I leave for combat skills training Feb. 9-22 and then report to the AOR (area of responsibility - just a fancy word for 'desert') by March 31.

When I return from my six-month deployment in September 2010, JG will be hot to deploy two months later. And not wussy, worn brick red - we're talking fire engine red. Why? The public affairs enlisted force is sitting at a 1:2 dwell. This means the rate at which we are deploying is 6 months deployed, two 6-month deployment cycles home, then 6 months deployed and so forth.

So, how will the dwell impact our family while I serve the remainder of my commitment through March 2012 and if JG decided to reenlist for another four years in January 2010?

Total months since marriage April 2009 until March 2012 = 36
Months separated by deployment = 23 (not including mandatory deployment training)
Months residing together = 13

What it boils down to is we'll have between 2-4 months of time together between one of us being deployed. Sitting at 16 years of service come March 2012, this deployment analysis above assumes I will deploy again in October 2011 in order to finish the last four years of my career. If I decide to separate at 16 years, I will have an extra five months at home with JG before he deploys again in 2013.

JG can decide to separate in January when he'll have 8 years of service completed, I'll be just shy of 14 years. We want to have another child and we planned on doing so after we PCS'd (moved on to the next assignment/base) and we planned to do this before I turn 34 in January 2012.

"Honey, I need to conceive between the time you get home in January 2010 and April 2011," I say. (This is so sexy, right? Total buzz-killer.)

But wait, he deploys in November 2010 and won't be back till May 2011 so conception needs to happen before then just incase we have trouble getting pregnant.

Conceiving before my deployment right when he gets back will only allow him to be with me for the pregnancy and he'll probably miss the birth and at least the first six months of her life (yes, we are having a girl). She will only be a year old and would only know life with both her parents for four months before I'm deployed again.

The alternative would be to conceive after I return from my deployment in the month of October 2010, then JG would be gone during most of the pregnancy, but would be home for the birth and the first 10-11 months of her life before he deploys again. I would deploy right when the baby turns six months old if our career field is still at a 1:2 dwell.

My fear? Even if JG decides to separate in January, I may decide to separate from the service while I'm pregnant anyway (servicewomen are giving this option, subject to commander approval) and I've just screwed both of us out of a career. Why? It was so hard leaving Zachary at age 6 and Edward at age 2 for a deployment ... I can't imagine how painful it will be to leave Baby Girl at the fun phase of eating 'solid' food.

And these scenarios don't even begin to cover all things considered. Our assignment manager is telling us to expect orders when JG comes back from his deployment. Added pressure logistically to get the house ready to rent (another blog to follow on the rennovations) and juggle my training requirement, family bonding and a PCS move between January-February or worse, left to JG to handle alone after I'm gone.

Granted, JG can decline the assignment by separating, but then we run into being stationed at virtually every Air Force base that has a public affairs office. This means we could end up at a less-than-desirable location such as obscure bases to go unnamed in the Midwest (no offense, but no thank you) since only one career needs to be accommodated, not two. (We cannot work in the same office where one of us would have any authority over the other. This becomes a non-issue if the assignment manager only needs to accommodate one career.)

Since we are at a 1:2 dwell, are they bringing back reenlistment bonuses for public affairs? (If so, it's important to note that if you reenlisted while deployed you get to keep the 20 percent that's normally deducted for taxes.)

Could one of us possibly get a joint assignment (as in working for a command or unit made up of all the military services) or an Air Force special duty assignment that's considered 'non-deployable' so that we are able to spend 12 months together as a family while only one of us deploys?

What will all these deployments do to our boys? Do we choose our careers over having a baby? Do we postpone having a baby and accept the health risks of me carrying a baby in my late thirties?

If we do stay in, what are our career options? With a critically-manned career fields it's almost impossible to break away four to six years to become first sergeants, professional military education instructors or basic military training instructors. They would also just as unlikely grant permission for us to cross train into a different career field altogether.

There are so many unanswered questions right now. JG and I are left absolutely heartbroken over the situation. And you know what? I'm angry. No, I take that back. I'm pissed.

How did the career field I've been apart of my entire career succumb to this? I had volunteered for deployments as an airman at my first assignment at Kelly AFB, Texas, and at my second assignment as a staff sergeant at Eielson AFB, Alaska, but didn't get to go. Those were the days when the folks in the same deployment 'bucket' used to fight over deployments. Now it's 'where are you going?' not 'do you get to go this time?'

At my third assignment I had my first deployment ever as an 11-year technical sergeant. In contrast, JG who joined right after 9-11 is now on his fourth deployment. For years we've been on the 'critical list' with career fields you may expect like security forces and EOD. I would have loved to have seen the look on the at-the-time Air Force Chief of Staff's face the first day Public Affairs appeared on that briefing slide. You have to wonder if the other general officers around the table chuckled. And I'm seriously asking: Has anyone outside of Air Force Public Affairs (up the chain) taken this seriously?

I have three friends in immediate proximity, all OUTSTANDING public affairs NCOs, who have made the decision to separate. Each are in a different phase of that process with one now a member of the Air Force Reserve and my response to each of them was 'I can't imagine being in a position to have to make such a hard decision.' Ladies, I still can't imagine because I am still in shock.

If Air Force leadership assures Public Affairs leadership they are legitimately trying, well, maybe I can too. But today, I'm discouraged, I'm confused, I miss my husband and the boys miss their Dad. For the first time in my adult life I'm questioning if my personal values and Air Force values are in alignment. Air Force Public Affairs will somehow manage through the new steady state of the 2000s, but how will the Buzanowski family?